es, there have been a number of more recent scandals. I wrote this in early June and discovered that after 6 years of non-use, I was locked out of my blog. A friend offered to put my blog and website together. He does that for a living, so I patiently waited for him to finish mine. It was all like pulling a loose thread on a sweater but worth the wait.
Your friends, family, and business associates may have tried to talk you out of it, but you’re hell-bent on using The Bible as a prop in a gimmick to boost your Christ Cred. If done right, this could be the most successful rebranding scheme the world has ever seen. When people read or hear Jesus Christ, they’ll automatically think of you. Of course, if you screw up, you will end up looking like a desperately pandering jackass. Here are a few tips to help decrease the odds of this plan being a colossal failure.
1. Go Big Or Go Home. When it comes to Bibles, size matters. If you’re going to go to the trouble of holding a book, make sure it’s obvious to even the worst photojournalist what the book is. Don’t use that itty-bitty Gideon Bible you accidentally packed on your vacation to Russia. A huge Bible conveys an image of masculinity, dominance, and power, which were three of the most important gifts Jesus brought to the world.
2. But Not Too Big. It shouldn’t be so big that it makes your tiny hands look even smaller.
3. Comparison Shop. Send an underling to buy as many different Bibles as possible with instructions to SAVE ALL RECEIPTS for return later. There’s no point in owning several copies of a book you’ll never read.
4. Model In Front Of A Mirror. Model with each of them in front of a full-length mirror. It’s important to focus here. Don’t spend too much time admiring your good looks in that mirror. The wrong Bible can detract from your polished perfection. You may be the star but the Good Book has a supporting role.
Some poses to consider:
Front and Center: Hold it in front of your midsection. Some viewers will focus on the center of the photo. It’s important to keep the book level, so rest the Bible on your belly. This pose is good for hiding a large gut and grease stains on your tie.
The Huckster: Hold the book close to your face, smile big. You’re not just holding the Bible, you’re selling it—along with yourself, of course. This is about making Jesus your brand. You might want to hold the Bible with one hand and do a thumbs up or point at it with the other, but don’t. That may be seen as overkill.
In Your Face: This is a bold pose. Stand tall, shoulders back, left arm extended, holding the Bible in your left hand at shoulder height—as if thrusting the holy text in someone’s face. If you have small hands you will need a slim Bible for this. Show the world you mean business by wearing a stern expression. Resist the urge to feel upstaged by the word of God due to the Bible being closer to the camera than your face.
Of course there are countless poses. Have fun. Liberate your imagination and let it run free.
5. Discard Bibles That Burn Your Hands. This isn’t meant to scare you, but you need to understand the potential risks involved. Your skin may react to the Bible, or vice versa. It’s hard to predict and it may not be an all or nothing situation. Reactions could range from mild tingling or throbbing in your fingers to an instant, painful shock. Be careful not to drop the Bible if this happens. You could damage it, rendering it nonreturnable.
6. The Bible Shouldn’t Clash With Your Hair and Skin. The book is only an accessory. It should compliment your well-maintained appearance. If your hair and skin are not colors found in nature, basic black is your best bet.
7. The Bible Should Have A Big Cross On the Cover. This is so people know without a doubt what it is. This is all about branding, nothing more, nothing less. You want people to associate your face with the cross. This is easier to accomplish if there’s a big cross, especially if you have a big face. If you’re in a hurry on the day of the shoot, the big cross will be easy to spot, which is especially helpful if you think all books look alike and you don’t bother reading titles. It would be embarrassing if, instead of holding up a Bible, you held up the copy of 1984 that keeps reappearing on your desk every time you throw it out.
8. Avoid Shiny, Reflective Book Covers. This is especially true for occasions when a camera flash may be used. A supernatural light might be fine shining down on your head from above, especially for this photo, but it can obscure the book title.
On the Day of the Photo Shoot:
9. Staging Is Important. Inside vs Outside.
If you’re worried about wind or rain messing up your hair, indoors may be the best location. You can jazz up your office with a colorful backdrop, such as the New York or Moscow skyline. Perhaps a tropical beach setting appeals to you. Just don’t choose a location where you’ve never been, like Mt. Everest or the interior of a library.
Outdoor Locations. A church is the most obvious choice if you want to convince viewers of your moral purity. This may be a problem if you’ve been banned from all the churches in your neighborhood. Whichever place you select, ASK PERMISSION ahead of time. DO NOT go inside the church if any of the Bibles you sampled earlier burn your hands—even a little. If there is a wedding, funeral, or bake sale going on in or near the building, patiently wait for them to finish. Don’t pull any passive aggressive stunts to hurry them along. Some of these events were planned well in advance—even longer than it took for you to hatch this idea and bring it to fruition.
10. Keep Clothing and Body Parts Out of the Bible. You probably won’t open the book, but it could happen. Before closing it, make sure that no parts of your body or wardrobe are caught between the pages. This is particularly a hazard if you wear long neckties or ill-fitting, loose business attire.
11. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ATTEMPT TO QUOTE SCRIPTURE. In order to do that you would need to read, memorize, and practice—the unholy trinity.
12. You Probably Shouldn’t Read, Either. A picture is worth a thousand words, but the Bible has thousands of hard to pronounce words. If you need to use reading glasses, but are too vain to wear them in public, reading from any book is out of the question.
13. Hold the Bible Right Side Up, Front Facing Forward. This one may seem obvious, but mistakes have been known to happen. You wouldn’t want to make a rookie mistake after the careful planning and forethought you put into this project. A photo of you holding the Good Book upside down could end up being a metaphor for your sincerity in this endeavor. Maybe even your overall job performance.
6 Jun 2020, 00:03 (1 day ago