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|Some categories of hill folk include:
Raisins of Wrath
Ivory Bellied Peckerwood
Fillbilly . . . and many more
Grillbilly: One nice thing about this part of the country is that it’s rarely too cold to grill outside. Any time of year, a stroll along any suburban street or country road can bring the aroma of meat cooking over an open flame. Vegetarians may want to skip this section. Basically, if it ever walked, flew, or swam around, it’s fair game. While stories of hill folk eating road kill are grossly exaggerated, we in the Ozarks do like to experiment. Who says Spam can’t be grilled? Certainly not George Foreman. Just below the Mason-Dixon Line, summers are too hot for cooking in the kitchen. No problem, just fire up the grill and enjoy that juicy, striped meat with some cool, sliced tomatoes out on the patio.
Diet: beef, pork, chicken, fish, and…well, you just don’t want to know what else.
Attracted to: lean cuts of meat
Biggest Fear: That Wal-Mart will run out of charcoal.
Physical Characteristics: lack of eyebrows, giant tongs, apron with “Kiss the cook” or equally silly quote.
Mating Call: “Those thighs look well-done, but juicy.”
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Chillbilly: They moved down here from Maine, Minnesota, or some other polar region where people drive on frozen lakes and the snow finally melts around the Fourth of July. When July rolls around in Northwest Arkansas, they take refuge inside where air-conditioning keeps it cold enough to store meat, venturing out only to buy ice cream and beer. “You call this cold”?” and “This is nothing” are two of their favorite phrases whenever the temperature dips below freezing or four inches of snow cover the roads. Just to prove it, they’ll get out and drive in it, oblivious to the fact that transplants from California, Texas, and Florida are also out there, with no idea what to do. Maybe their custom of jumping into cold water on New Year’s Day has given them a permanent brain freeze, so I’ll spell it out for them. There are advantages to letting your boss and co-workers think a couple inches of snow has you homebound. Think about it.
Diet: hot chocolate, soup
Attracted To: ice, snow, sleet, long underwear
Physical Characteristics: frost bite
Biggest Fear: summertime in the Ozarks
Mating Call: “You’re cold? Let me warm you up.”
|Questions? E-mail Jim at email@example.com|